SimonSimple

Hi People

Get a life….before it is too late! How often have we heard of friends leaving us permanently but prematurely? Don’t put off plans to spend more time with your loved ones or even plans to spend some quality time with yourself. Make some hard choices. If you make the right ones, time will tell whether you have made the right ones. Check your heart. Is it murmuring? It might be trying to tell you something.

Here is my latest contribution to MCYS’ e-newsletter Behind Every Success on Personal Work-life Effectiveness. Enjoy!

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Some years ago, my wife and I watched The Family Man on Channel 5. It was a heart-warming show. What was heartening was that the children were also watching it. The story was about choice – to put career or family first?

Given a choice, I have always put family before career. There was one time I switched from a promising career in an American bank to teach at a polytechnic. I was trading dollars for more time with my wife and our first-born daughter. You see, you can hug your dollars but they won’t hug you back. That was more than a quarter of a century ago. The time I invested in my daughter is paying big dividends. She has been happily married for two months now, but Daddy is always on her mind. And the feeling is mutual.

Another time, I walked away from a great job in a big British bank to do work in a non-profit organisation. This time the call was to do more meaningful work – I was in that stage of my life when I was moving ‘from success to significance’.

People have said I am an affable chap, easy to get along with. Indeed, in 2007, I became totally CPFable! Soon after I attained the big 55, I retired from my full-time job as a general manager in early 2008, after obtaining the appropriate blessings from the appropriate people as to how I would make another change in my life. This has been my practice regarding my work at any particular point in time – to get the buy-in from all my important stakeholders, i.e. my wife and three children.

My mother used to say of my career switches, “One step forward, two steps back!” She would have been entirely right if my career switches had been benchmarked against my bank accounts. She would have been entirely wrong if my career switches had been measured against the emotional bank accounts I have with my immediate family members. The choices we made many years ago have led to the consequences we see and enjoy now with a great deal of satisfaction. We have no regrets whatsoever.

I am now a one-man SME – I Speak, I Marry and I am an Encourager. In a typical week, I will have at least one speaking engagement as a motivational speaker; I meet couples to prepare them for marriage and officiate at their wedding ceremony as their licensed solemniser, and I go to the office as a part-time Human Resource consultant mentoring younger colleagues.

Many a time, my colleagues have commented that I look so happy and fulfilled. One even remarked that there is a certain glow about and around me. Why not? Choices create consequences. In my life, I have made many choices, some alone but many with my wife since I value her wisdom and also because many decisions we make as husband and wife and as parents to our three beautiful children. We have seen the fruits of our love (not labour!) and are very proud of what we see. We are quite sure the nation will be proud that we have helped to nurture three fine young adults as worthy citizens of Singapore.

People who know me know that I wear many hats – boss, husband, father, friend, teacher, mentor, speaker and solemniser, even. Actually, I am a model! The runway I walk is not 10 metres long. My runway is longer than a marathon run – it is my life’s journey.

This is near year-end. In the workplace, it is known as Performance Appraisal time. At home, it would be too. Ask the people that really matter in your life to appraise your performance. Are you a Family Man?

Former General Manager of TOUCH Community Services, Simon Sim has addressed staff of ministries, statutory boards, corporations as well as parents in various schools on strengthening family relationships. He is also the author of The Family CEO: Building A Happy and Successful Family.

Hi People

It is for people like Therese that I am motivated to continue blogging and writing, despite being pulled away in a thousand places. She commented on my previous article on parenting. I always say “I can change the world, one by one”. So here is the latest article that I wrote for MCYS’ Behind Every Success. Enjoy!

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At the beginning of September, I had the great joy of seeing my eldest daughter married to her beau. In fact, I had the added privilege of officiating at her wedding! It was a family affair. Our second daughter was the bridesmaid. Our son walked his sister down the aisle and ‘gave’ her away in marriage. My wife was the witness to the marriage… and our family dog was the ring bearer!

In my speech to the couple I reminded them that a wedding is like a 100-metre dash, while marriage is a marathon. And although husband and wife qualify as a family, it would be a bonus to add on little ones soon after the wedding bells because they bring great joy. The equation goes like this, Couplehood: 1 + 1 = 1 family.

I urged the young couple to start a family soon and to have at least three children – one for him, one for her and one for Singapore! Our daughter nodded in agreement and said that if all goes well, she would do her part and contribute another dragon to the family. Then there would be three generations of dragons – my wife and I, my son and our future grandchild!

A word of caution I gave to the couple was to beware of the Love Triangle and not let the big C invade the husband-and-wife relationship. The first big C is other Characters in the form of other men or women. The second C is their Careers. And finally, the last C is Children! You see, children is a blessing, but they can also be the cause of marital strife and woe. Children can weld a husband and wife together, or they can be a wedge to drive apart a loving relationship. How does this happen?

When the baby comes along, the woman tends to think that her primary role is that of a mother and forgets that she is first a wife. Sometimes this phenomenon happens to the man too. In any event, who can display any ill feelings towards an innocent baby? And so the spouse suffers in silence.

My wife is one liberated woman. She allows me to subscribe to MAXIM (for the less informed – that is a magazine for men). Actually, we both subscribe to MACSIM – Movement Against Children Sleeping In Master-bedroom. Children have visitor’s rights only. Permanent residence? No way! A couple must guard their intimate relationship jealously.

Another source of arguments and discontent that may arise is how to deal with work on the domestic front when baby comes along. A wife will measure what a husband does against what she does, and because what a man does looks small in comparison, the woman often ends up unhappy and disgruntled.

The man, on the other hand, usually measures his contribution to the chores he does against what his father did, and because he is sure to be doing more, he ends up feeling rather good about himself and his contribution. This is even more so if his wife chooses to be a full-time homemaker, thus making him the sole breadwinner.

In fact, other issues will arise and a couple will need answers to several questions.

Parenting Questions:

* Are we ready for a newborn? Are we ready for added roles? Who will be the primary caregiver?
* How will finances be shared? Will mummy stay home? Will our parents be dependent on us?
* Can we afford a domestic helper? Is childcare available?

If the couple can come to a happy consensus, then conflicts will be minimised. Early conflict resolution can save couples from latent dangers that may surface when baby finally comes along.

Perhaps setting some parenting goals will help a couple prevent Baby from spoiling the marital bliss.

Parenting Goals:

1. Be spouse-centred, not child-centred.
2. Children are ‘leasehold property’ while the spouse is ‘freehold property’.
3. Establish proper rules – but don’t neglect the relationships!

Truly, children will bring added joy to a blissful marriage. We watch our little ones grow up and they grow up too fast. It seems that within a blink of an eye, our three children are all grown up. Now we can only reminisce about their childhood days. Carefree days of flying kites, playing catching, hide-and-seek, running about in the playground, swimming and catching spiders. Of course, it was not all fun and play… there were spelling tests and colouring contests to contend with too!

Wasn’t it just yesterday that we watched them nervously as we packed them off for their first day at nursery school? Separation anxiety was high, and it was not always coming from the child. Sometimes parents feel it more, especially when we have to let go of the first-born. After all, we are first-time parents the first time around. Things got better with the subsequent children. It always does. We call it ‘experience’.

I can therefore safely say “Experience the full gamut of your little ones, for they bring great joy!” The tough times will surely pass and when we find ourselves out of a job as parents we can shed a tear or two, a little sad, but plenty glad that we have done a reasonably good job. We may think we fail our children a bit here and there, but after all, we are their parents and they will still always love us. Just ask our children.

Former General Manager of TOUCH Community Services, Simon Sim has addressed staff of ministries, statutory boards, corporations as well as parents in various schools on strengthening family relationships. He is also the author of The Family CEO: Building A Happy and Successful Family.

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Hi People

For the last month or so I have been ferrying my eldest daughter from home to the Dover mrt station. This cuts down her commuting time to work. We talk just a little bit so that she can catch up on her sleep. For me it brings back wonderful memories when she was a little child - so sweet and innocent. Long time ago when I carried her in my arms and had to put her to bed all I had to do was to ‘command’ her to place her head on my shoulders and hold on to my ear lobes. And in a little while she would doze off to sleep. Nowadays my fatherly advice or my disapproving stares can do little for her to do my bidding.

You see, I shall bid her adieu come September. Her beau will come on his white horse and sweep her away to the East (of Singapore). Although she may no longer be in my care I still care for her and love her so much. In tribute to my dearest Mel, who has given me so much joy and many lessons in life (and helped in editing my book and writing pieces) I share with you my latest piece with Behind Every Success below:

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In the course of my solemnisation duties, I do observe the shedding of tears. Yes, it is quite common to see the happy bride moved by the emotional moment. Once, a bride could not quite compose herself and cried buckets. Only upon the prompting of her sister with these words, “Stop crying sis. Just think of your mascara!” did she stop. What is not common is to see the groom cry. And from my vantage point I have seen mothers and fathers discreetly wipe off a tear or two.

In a few months’ time, I myself will be put to the test. My wife has often joked that when our daughter gets married, one of her parents will cry like a baby. And she is quite sure it is not going to be her!

Parenting! We are often put to the test not by a one-off exam but by many events throughout our children’s life. But I guess I am quite done with active parenting now that we have three adult children. Have we done well? The proof is in the pudding. What is the product of all these 21 years of guiding, molding and shaping of our children’s growing up years? I believe (inadequate as they may be) that how good a job we have done by our trial and error ways of parenting, is shown when we see them all grown up well-adjusted. Are they happy, healthy, confident, cooperative and responsible? And will we have a life-long relationship with them? This can only come about through deliberate actions to always want to Connect, Accept & Nurture our young ones – “CAN”! Parenting appears difficult and it is sometimes fraught with pain and heartaches. However, if we get our objectives right, the journey can be easy and indeed enjoyable.

Yes, very soon we will be launching our eldest daughter into her own married life to a fine young man. It will be to their mutual benefit to connect with, accept and nurture each other.

It was not too long ago, that whenever my daughter had a relationship breakup, I stood by her as her constant companion during her lunch breaks and our hours of bowling and swimming together.

Once, I had lunch with my daughter at Bugis Junction. She was telling me that she was soaked one day because her umbrella gave way in the face of heavy rain and strong winds. Deciding not to settle for cheap foldable umbrellas anymore, she went to the nearby departmental store to purchase the most hardy one she could find. She went through quite a number and observed that the salesgirl all but left her alone while attending to others. She was wondering why. The happy answer came when she was about to pay for her purchase. The salesgirl told her that all the other customers simply left the umbrellas out of their casings or had difficulty pushing them back in, but my daughter conscientiously and meticulously restored all the umbrellas she tried back into their original state. The salesgirl remarked that her mother must have taught her the art of neatly putting away foldable umbrellas, to which my daughter assented. The salesgirl beamed and said, “Your mother taught you well!” My daughter felt real proud – of her purchase and her mother!

Not forgetting the father, otherwise why call him a pa-rent? I believe in a happy and functional family – when “Father Affirms, Mother Instructs, Little ones Yield”. Conversely, in an unhappy and dysfunctional family, “Father Affronts, Mother Insults, Little ones Yell!”

Remember, what your children see in you now, you will see in them later. So it becomes incumbent upon us parents to be the right role model to our children. This I learnt from my own father. When my children were little I used to prepare breakfast for them while my wife caught up on her beauty sleep.

Why do I do what I do? Because I observed what my parents did. When my father retired from his job he was the one who prepared breakfast while my mother slept on a little longer before facing the mountain of work that lay ahead each day. Happily, my parents divided the work to be done. I am merely following what my parents modelled for me.

My parents taught me well. Happy parenting!

Former General Manager of TOUCH Community Services, Simon Sim has addressed staff of ministries, statutory boards, corporations as well as parents in various schools on strengthening family relationships. He is also the author of The Family CEO: Building A Happy and Successful Family.

Hi People

It has been a pressing week for me since last Friday. I have been standing on my feet conducting solemnization ceremonies, giving talks and running marriage workshops with my wife. There is an upcoming lunchtime talk that we will deliver as a couple on Wednesday 25 May 2011 from 1 to 2 pm at the Samsung Hub along Church Street in town. It is about a hot topic. No, it’s not about GE 2011 but it’s about GE 101 - Yes, it’s about Getting Entangled (& engaged). The basics of sex and much more.

In the meantime, here is my latest article in Behind Every Success. Happy reading!

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Almost a decade ago, my second child contributed an article entitled “Melissa in the Middle” on the angst of being both a middle child and a teenager. She was 17 and felt she was in between hardworking and smart. She has an older sister who will study hard and ace her tests and a younger brother who plays hard and still accomplishes the same.

At that time she did not enjoy her schooling and as she put it then, “As a teenager, there are many issues that suddenly become important in life, and studies are sometimes the least of them.” Well, as parents we did help her navigate through the challenging teenage years. I am happy to say that after her polytechnic studies and a short stint of working life, she did continue with her university education in Sydney, Australia. This time round she secured many distinctions and thoroughly enjoyed tertiary education and making many new friends.

In fact, I well remember that it was on Valentine’s Day of the year after she turned 21 that we sent her off at Changi Airport and trusted that all would be well as she ventured into a foreign land all alone. We were assured that things would be all right because we trusted her when she was growing up. We knew she was ready to ‘carry her own monkey’ because we had put our trust in her in her younger days. We had laid the foundation by following some guidelines.

Here are three guidelines:

1. TRUST your teenager to take on studies as his/her own responsibility. We knew that each one of our three children was different with different gifts and talents. We treated them as different individuals. My eldest was the hardworking one. Her motto growing up was “Sweat now, enjoy later.” My middle child was the non-academic one and indeed flourished in her talent as the creative and artistic one in the family. Her motto was “Enjoy now, sweat later.” My youngest was the fun-loving one, and his motto was “Enjoy now, enjoy later!”

Whichever type they were in their studies and attitude towards life, the emphasis as far as studies were concerned was that studying was important but each child alone was responsible for the results they would get. They were encouraged to set their own goals – realistic goals that they were capable of achieving.

2. TRUST your teenager to choose the correct values and influences. We did expose our children to various experiences and encouraged them to have their own points of view. The result is that they are socially skilled – they are up-to-date about movies, music and current affairs. If you shield your children too much for fear of ‘bad influences’, then the result may be that they find it difficult to relate to others.

It is not that there were no rules in our house. Appropriate curfews were enforced and the children were made to pay for the things they wanted out of their own pockets. To have the proper response from your teenage children, I recommend a large dose of relationship with them. My late parents used to say “Correction does much, connection does more.” What gladdened our children’s hearts about our parenting style is that we did not do things such as screening all their friends or curtailing activities that they wanted to be involved in. We realised that they would be exposed to a lot of external influences and ultimately it is up to the individual to decide which value system to follow.

3. TRUST your teenager to make big decisions. My second child would share that as a teenager she was able to confide in her mother, who would listen patiently as she related her day. While advice was handed out, our teenagers were trained to make their own decisions as we had equipped them to think for themselves. Parents of teenagers should be ‘Guides by their side’, and not ‘Sages on stages’.

If I have a friendly word of advice to all parents, it is to foster a stronger relationship with your children. And you don’t have to wait till they are teenagers. In fact, there is great urgency that you begin from Day One!

Remember these equations:

Rules + Relationship = Response
Rules – Relationship = Rebellion

My three children are now young adults in their twenties. I dare say that each one of them is healthy, happy, confident, co-operative and responsible.

Do you want your children to soar, with the sky as the limit? Then give your teenagers enough space and tune up your relationship with them. Rules are important, but relationships are more important.

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Former General Manager of TOUCH Community Services, Simon Sim has addressed staff of ministries, statutory boards, corporations as well as parents in various schools on strengthening family relationships. He is also the author of The Family CEO: Building A Happy and Successful Family.

Hi People

2011 started with me doing 2 solemnisations on the 1st of January - 1.1.11

Other hot dates will be 11.11.11 and 20.11, 2011!

This is well and good - I mean choosing the ideal date so that a couple can easily remember when they first tied the knot. What would be more delightful is not the wedding day itself but the marriage - how long and happy one’s marriage is. This year my wife and I will be celebrating our 34th wedding anniversary in June together with 4 other couples whose wedding anniversaries mainly fall in June.

Yes, one should celebrate the fact that a couple can stay together after so many years of being married. For me, a marriage should be ’till death do us part’. Here is my latest contribution from The Family Coach to ‘Behind Every Success’.

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Here is a kampong story where a guy meets a girl, falls for her and gets married. In the first few years of marriage, the starry-eyed couple addresses each other as “Darling” at every opportunity. Eventually, the romance wears off a little and definitely after baby comes along. The couple attempts to put up a brave front and still coo a “Da” at each other. Several years later and after another baby, each partner may well yell “Su-dah” at each other!

There is a ‘Love Triangle’ that spells trouble for any marriage. This is when one person has two lovers and spoils an otherwise happy relationship. The third party is thus another male or female. Or it could be your career. Or, as we see in the scenario above, it could be your children!

A psychologist named Sternberg in 1988 developed another sort of love triangle. The three dimensions of the triangle are passion, intimacy and commitment. We show passion by being affectionate and we express this by touching and kissing. Intimacy, on the other hand, involves a high level of self-disclosure when we share our feelings and provide emotional support for each other. Last but not least, commitment is built up slowly over time and is cemented if the relationship is positive.

When I solemnise the marriage of a couple, I start off with a little message. My message is clear and simple – that while a great amount of time and energy is expended to make the wedding day a beautiful one, the real deal is to ensure the marriage will be a happy one.

In order to get a perfect picture on their wedding day a couple will take pains to make sure everything is just right. If you think about it, hidden in the word ‘PICTURE’ are tips to help you keep the romance in your marriage, now and forever, picture perfect – Passion, Intimacy, Commitment + Understanding, Respect and Encouragement.

Sternberg calls the presence of all three elements of Passion, Intimacy and Commitment in a love relationship, consummate love. As a couple journeys together in a loving relationship it may well be that passion diminishes as the years roll by, but intimacy increases. Near the end of their lives, an old couple may be in a loving relationship where commitment to each other is enough to sustain their marriage.

Understanding

I strongly believe that if a couple strives for mutual understanding of each other’s emotional needs and strives to meet them as best they can, it gives any third party little chance to create damage to a loving relationship. According to Willard Harley who wrote the book His Needs Her Needs, the ten basic needs are Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Honesty and Openness, Attractiveness of Spouse, Financial Support, Domestic Support, Family Commitment and Admiration.

Respect

On the subject of respect, it is often preached that a man should just love his wife and the woman in turn should just respect her husband. I am not disagreeing with that stance. What would be most helpful in our present-day society, however, is that it would enhance the marriage if there is mutual respect and love for each other. Remember to give each other enough room to grow as an individual.

Encouragement

Of course, if a couple can be each other’s CEO, it is so much the better. By CEO I mean the Chief Encouragement Officer. It is said that a hidden form of verbal abuse is our failure to affirm each other with our words of love and encouragement. We can keep the romance many years into our marriage if we resist cutting each other down. Instead, we should be our spouse’s greatest fan and friend and build each other up.

As a parting shot and a reminder to all couples – whether just married or still married after more than 30 years (that’s us!) – to stay spouse-centred and not child-centred, here are two paragraphs from the first book I wrote:

Empty nest is not emptiness! But for many couples who have not invested in each other, this could well be the case. How sad to discover that after all those years of staying married, it was the children who were the glue to the marriage.

Whenever we teach at our marriage preparation classes, eager young couples will get to hear my wife cheekily affirming that I subscribe to MAXIM (a magazine for men). That is what it sounds like, but it is actually ‘MACSIM’ – Movement Against Children Sleeping In Master-bedroom! She is totally sold on this concept. Keeping a newborn baby in the same room and especially on the same bed as the young parents beyond, say, six months is not advisable. Doing so is what we term an insidious act – what is seemingly good is actually bad.

The real secret to keeping romance burning in your marriage is to be spouse-centred. After all, we did promise our spouse to love each other for better or for worse, till death do us part!

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Former General Manager of TOUCH Community Services, Simon Sim has addressed staff of ministries, statutory boards, corporations as well as parents in various schools on strengthening family relationships. He is also the author of The Family CEO: Building A Happy and Successful Family.